Thursday, May 21, 2015

Kiwi moments

My lovely friend Laura sent this hairscarf all the way from New Zealand.

Feb 2015 1

She's a pretty amazing gal. I'm so lucky that when the Gentleman Caller and I were travelling through her city she put us up for a week and showed us around! I hadn't seen her in 7 years and she's still as wonderful as always!

everything: Ricki's
boots: Jessica Simpson

I would go back to New Zealand in an instant. Any one have a job for me?


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Chalk stripe

I bought a bunch of clothes online at Christmas, fully intending to take the majority of them back.

jan 2015 3

Turns out I just didn't. Even though some of the stuff was just ok. Even though you can return to the store. Even though the store is down the block.

dress: Ricki's
jacket: Ricki's
tights: We Love Colours
boots: Jessica Simpson

So here we are. Looking so fine. 


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Just a wee bit concussed

In January I had a small mishap.

Jan 2015 2

I fell and hit my head in a ringette game and it wasn't great. As I'm an idiot, I continued to play a few more games. Turns out I had a pretty serious concussion. I was in a fair amount of pain in these photos.

sweater: Ricki's
leggings: Lulu Lemon
socks: ?
boots: Jessica Simpson

After a week of blinding headaches and confusion I ended up in the ER. Not good. I was on brain rest for a few days which means no TV, computer, reading, music, or thinking.

Turns out that you can't just sleep for four days straight no matter how grief-exhausted you are.

Monday, May 18, 2015


I keep hearing that leopard print is actually a neutral.

jan 2015 1

Plus I needed an excuse to wear my brown boots.

dress: Ricki's
tights: We Love Colours
cardi: Smart Set
boots: Jessica Simpson


Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Same same but different: the loss edition

Lately things are all deja vu around here.

I feel like I've spent my whole life in the same chair, in the same room watching someone I love spend their last days from the same disease that the same doctor couldn't cure.

My partner's mom died a few weeks ago. She had a smile that could light up a room. I loved her. 51 is far, far too young.

It all feels so heavy. Too much similarity between our moms. Well, that's not exactly true. They were very different people in equally wonderful ways. But their death events? Same, same but different.
I'm the family obituary writer now.

We're all going to be very gentle with ourselves. At least we're going to try.

All these mother's day adverts can suck it. I hate the thought that we have no one to by for this year. No one to honour in the same way. I'm still very undecided if I'm going to mother's day celebrations with the rest of my family. I just don't know anything anymore.

And please let there be good news soon.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

A love like this

Today, April 11th,  is my mom's birthday. She would have been 60. That's a pretty big birthday. In its place is a very big grief.

Spending time together in the airport before I went to Australia

Today is also 5 months since she's been gone. The days go by and sometimes they are even ok. But everything is muted, songs a bit quieter, colours a bit greyer. And not a day goes by that I don't just wish I could give her a hug and I miss and I miss and I am missing.

Memorial butterfly in the Palliative Care ward of the hospital

Sometimes when everything is out of control and nothing makes sense, you feel like you just need to do something, anything... even if it's small.

In that light, my family and I are participating in the Relay for Life. This is when we walk all night long, from 7pm to 7am. This small journey represents the intense journey those battling cancer go through. We raise money, we celebrate survivors, we support those fighting, we remember those we've lost.

If you have $5 that you can spare, my team, me and everyone who has been touched by this hideous and prevalent disease (even Taylor Swift's mom) would be so appreciative. If you aren't able to donate maybe you could give blood or give your people a hug so big that they know just how much you love them. The world needs a bit more love.

Because, in the end, love is all there is.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Family of balloons

A few years ago, while in Australia, I got a tattoo of a cluster of balloons. One for my dad, one for my mom, one for my sister. My family. My home. My heart.

When my mom died I really felt that I needed a tattoo. For memory, for pain, for grief, for fear. for love.
So I got my mom's handwriting attached to my family of balloons, saying what she always said, what she always wrote to us, what she always made sure we knew.

This is right after the tape was taken off. It's less painful than it looks.

I don't want to forget her. I don't want anyone to forget her. Her absence is palpable.