My mom wanted to write notes to my sister and I. To say goodbye, to give advice, to say just one last time that she loved us. She never had time. By the time she realized that hope was gone so was her energy. She was just too sick.
I received an email from her on Christmas day. Part of our Christmas gifts every year are a Gift of Hope from Plan Canada. Something that will help a family given in our name.
I wasn't expecting it because we weren't doing gifts this year. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking. It was her last note to me. I have no idea when she might have organized this. Directly after Christmas last year? I imagine so, months before she got sick.
Dearest darling daughter
I know you will be happy to keep those crazy mosquitoes away & and give the kids a chance at a longer and happier life. So, we're donating some nets. Love you always.
Love forever, Mom and DadYou've just received a Gift of Hope – the gift of 12 bed nets.
Oh boy... here come the tears...
I hope Mom and Bailey are playing together somewhere
So today is New Year's Eve. I'm torn, like I seem to be all the time. I want to put 2014 behind me and let go of all the fear and pain. But when that clock ticks over it will be 2015 and I'll be in an entirely different year than my mom will ever be. And that breaks my heart all over again. I think it will never stop breaking.
It's hard to be peaceful and joyful in this season where you're supposed to feel that way.
This was not Christmas. This was a day to cry and cry and cry. A day to feel that all is lost and lonely. A day to miss my mom with such a violent longing.
On Christmas Eve night I dreamt that I was in a very familiar place but couldn't find my way. I was lost when I shouldn't have been. And every step I took, the ground was precarious and I was afraid to move forward or backward.
I'm stupidly almost offended by all the Christmas carols that are playing. Angry that people are happy and celebrating. Saddened by all the Christmas greetings that people are sending out. I hope Santa was good to you... How dare you be happy. How dare you act like everything is fine and wonderful and that there is something to be thankful for. This was not Christmas. No stockings. No presents. No singing. No lights. No tree. But people who love us? Who loved mom? Yes, we have those.
We are so lucky to have family and friends and neighbours who took care of us during this difficult season. Who made sure we weren't alone. Nothing looked like Christmas but it was very nice all the same. Except that she's not here. Except that she'll never be here...
Lover of naps, cuddles, wine on patios, travelling, shoes, friends in near and far off places, food, blogs, dancing and most of all giggling.
Philosophy: We are here for such a short time. Shouldn't we be using it to take good care of each other? Shouldn't we have small adventures while we are planning big ones? Shouldn't we all encourage and share our magical talents? Shouldn't we be filling the world with nothing but lovely things?
Yes! Just jump if you have the courage, just jump and be happy!
Fancy an email chat? Me too! firstname.lastname@example.org