Monday, August 18, 2014

Sending out so much love

I haven't been writing because I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I find making even small, inconsequential decisions almost impossible.

What do you do when the person who means everything is literally fighting for her life? How do you help? What can you do? Other than giving lots of hugs and holding hands and making food and brushing hair... Really, though. What do you do? What can you do that will make a difference or help at all? I guess you can pray and visualize cancer melting away, hoping and praying and working on being positive. The thing is I wish I could give my strength away. I wish that all the protein that I eat could be magically transferred to her. I'd take it on. I think we all would.

What does daily life look like when you're mind is occupied with fear? What is the point of dressing up cute? Does anything even matter, other than love?

                          I don't know what this graffiti is about. I like that it's emphatic. And also Fuck Cancer. 

Is there a how to manual? Does anyone have any insight on balancing hope and reality, fear and love, day to day life with everything else? I know this isn't unique. I know it's not just us going though this. But it also feels so so big.

Love and bright light to everyone. So much love. 


Monday, July 21, 2014

We are lucky for the days we have

“Real life, I’ve finally learned, is created by stacking normal days, one on top of the other, for decades, and living each of those days as fully as possible, embracing whatever each day brings.” Richard Dahlstrom


Thursday, July 10, 2014

The best of me

On Wednesdays the Gentleman Caller and I go for sushi. It's a nice tradition. We always go to the same place and order the same thing. They know our order and it's nice to feel like regulars.

Tonight the guy taking our order said to me "You're always so happy!"

And that really got me thinking (and that sentence makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw). The only side of me this sushi guy sees is my public, happy I'm about to eat my favourite food side. I reserve the best of me for strangers and the people I love get the brunt of the rollercoaster, overly emotional, stressed out, grumpy bump Danielle.

I might want to take better care of that. I might want to be more mindful that people I love need love too. Maybe I need to be generous enough to my self to chill out and offer the best of me to me. Maybe I need to make more of an effort to see the world in a more lovely light, even when things are hard, to behave in a more lovely manner.

Today I'm grateful for my life the way it is. Although there are really hard things, although I'm lost most of the time... I'm lucky. 

Fitbit report: 12, 582 steps, 9.83 k, 7 floors


Monday, June 30, 2014

Sometimes there are days when time stops. When you heart catches in your throat and you stomach clenches and you go cold. These are days when everything you know changes. The world is a different place and it's not ever going back. That my kitchen is dirty, my laundry isn't done doesn't matter. All my little worries about who I am and where I'm going and how I'm going to lose my sugar belly are inconsequential.

It's been raining for weeks. The streets are flooded, the sky is angry and there isn't anywhere for the water to go. At the moment it's pathetic fallacy, the never-ending onslaught of water and gloominess that goes along with it are exactly how my family feels. I guess it just wouldn't be right to get terrible news on a bright, sunshiney day.

I'm so angry. I'm so angry that cancer is such a bitch and has come for us. I'm so angry that it wasn't caught before. I'm so angry that word was thrown at her like a grenade by a non-expert and then we were put in a room to wait for a specialist that never came. I'm so angry that there's nothing I can do except call people to make sure they are moving on this, to get a bossy advocate, to ask everyone I know to send the good energy of whatever belief they have to her. Until then I'll just flood the streets more with my tears.

Even the duck is confused and thinks a lawn is a pond.


Thursday, June 26, 2014


I'm restless. I'm not sure if it's just because it's spring (slowly edging towards summer) and I always get a little this way. Or maybe it's just that I have no plans.

All my life I've known what comes next. You go to school, then directly to university. As I was finishing university I had my eye on the prize. I was working towards moving to England for two years. I was focused on making money and saving money and working out who I would be and how I might make friends. For those two years I grew a heart, I developed a sense of adventure, finally knowing that I belonged many places, knowing that I had a story and deserved to play a starring role in it.

Coming home from England was rough because I really didn't want to be in Canada. I wanted to be the person I was, doing fun things, going interesting places with crazy friends. It was certainly an adjustment to rebuild a life and that took all my energy. 

Then I met the Gentleman Caller and LOVE! SWOON! All my time was spent cuddling, drinking wine and eating cheese! Also, when we started dating it was understood that if he wanted to date me, we were going to Australia. So that was the goal. That was the direction.

Now that I'm back from travel, with no long term travel on the horizon, a job that is fine but not thrilling, an apartment that is cozy and lovely... Now what do I do? What is there to look forward to? In which direction do I place my feet? What am I working toward? Is this just normal life? You get up, go to work, get paid a marginally decent wage, feel exhausted, go to the gym, make dinner and go to bed? That's it? 

I'm having a hard time seeing the small adventures when there aren't any big ones. It seems like a lot of my friends are looking for houses at the moment. So I actually spent a Saturday evening looking for houses that we could buy. I don't even want to buy a house! I'm no where near ready financially or emotionally. I love my little apartment and I never thought that I would end up living in this city. I'd like to buy in Spain! Or New Zealand! Or Vietnam! Or an English coastal village!

Oh boy. That's what lost looks like.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Pasteler Shade of Pale

I would love this dress more if it were a more vibrant colour.

june 12 2014

Still, with some accessories it's possible to punch it up.

In the hopes of making my cubicle even more ridiculous, I left these shoes at work. Use your imagination.

dress & jacket & scarf: ricki's
shoes: Red or Dead Maxa

Today I'm thankful for dresses that come below the knee. No worries about accidental flashing.

Fitbit summary: 12,234 steps, 9.24km, 16 floors


Sunday, June 22, 2014

Just a little off

This dress is a great colour but cut very strangely. Still though, pretty.

june 11 2014

My popped these shoes into a bag that I was picking up from her house. She bought them in a market in Spain and has never worn them. I think they are also made a bit funny. One seems significantly larger than the other so that was a bit tricky but I only fell off them once at work so it was pretty much like any other day.

dress: Joe Fresh
tank: Ricki's
cardi: Suzy Shier
necklace: grandma's
shoes: mama's

Today I'm thankful for thoughtful people. 

Fitbit summary: 11, 864 steps, 9.19 km, 12 floors